I hate money

Why must we do a second wedding in jb? So that my mum can flash her money. Fuck it. This family is as fake as my smile. I can't wait to get out here.

You wanna show off but you don't wanna go all the way. There's a freakin dias, dj, caterer, tentage but you wanna save on dishwasher and the help? Wow smart move. The dias here is more grander than the Singapore wedding! You serious huh? So what is it that you wanna prove?? That you have money? Or your first born is married? You mean we cannot do a normal kenduri like normal people? The fuck man. 

This is why I do not want any of your money for my wedding. I do not want to go through nonsensical shit like this. Fuck your money. I don't need it.

Nobody's child

Even the cat gets treated better than being a child in this household. It's sad really. I get judged by my own family for the most simplest of reasons.. I don't earn much. Why can't they just be greatful that I have a job? The fact that I've been jobless for the past 4-5 months this makes it a blessing right? Wrong. The first thing that came out of my mom's mouth:

" why is the pay so low "

And I thought my dad would be better but he asked:

" is this a temporary job? "

No. It's fucking not. You wanted me to not work in retail and I'm not. My experience is in retail therefore I had a high pay. You hated my hours so I got an office job instead. And now you hated my pay. Nothing is ever good enough. Not my pay, my studies, my life, not even me. When is it ever "enough"? When will you ever shut the fuck up and accept that I just can't get a freaking $3k job? Every month I feel that I'm your daughter only on pay day. On my pay day you'll stop screaming. On my pay day I'm needed by you. Failure to appease you and I'm a nobody. Well I am a nobody. Nobody talks to me at home. When I'm sick no one will bother asking if I'm ok. When I was earning but stressing with work nobody really cared. When I'm jobless the only thing my mom asked was whether I'll still be giving her money eventho I'm jobless. You never stop to think if I have troubles saving for my own wedding.. You asked if I'll give you money? Money?! I was going through depression from my old company and you're asking about money? Are you even human? 

I hate you. Yes. People will say that it's wrong to hate but I do. Go sell this house after the wedding like you've always wanted. I'll give in and move out. It's not as tho you need me around anyways. I'll find my way out even if I die trying.

Life

With the new findings over the weekend it really made me stop in my tracks. A gift that was known that would never be bestowed upon me was given. And when news was broken to it was a mixed feeling of sorts. 

Shock: obviously I did not expect it. None of us did. All I ever wanted was to live life normally.

Scared: will he go away if he had known? This gift is too big to be kept a secret. Would he accept it?

Sheer happiness: as I've said it is something that wasn't supposed to happen but this proved that god always have the final say in life.

Confusion: as it was not the correct time. Should I let it go will it happen again? Or will this be my one time miracle?

Sadness: as realization dawned on me. This gift was not meant to be.

I'm going through the stages of feelings with love. I'm glad he was happy. His love is undeniably strong. It is a hard future for us. And I hope it will be ok. And I'm sorry baby for doing this. For I have chosen Amirul Lu'ay.

Sigh

I'm just there

The loneliest lonesome ever

Even if I'm surrounded

I'm still the loneliest lonesome ever

Goodbye

I think it's time for me to take my leave.

This heart has too much to grieve

As when in right it's wrong to perceive

My head is spinning I need space to breath.

The person I am

It's hard being me... 

I'm the one who's not allowed dates with the tv

Expected to stop watching Disney 

Even though it really makes me happy.

Forced to hide again in the kitchen while I let you be.

It's hard being me...

When all I get are screams from mummy

And dark looks from daddy

As I've lost a job; no money.

To your eyes I'm stupid;

As I did own a degree

But it's hard being me.

You say, "be somebody!"

"Not a sales girl - a nobody"

But I'm happy

My choice was what making me free

I smile and my heart was not heavy

As I loved being me.

Most days I feel like I'm crazy

I have no place in this family.

I feel that I'm just renting a room;

As there's not many here liking me.

It's hard being me...

My pills - these pills; are all I see

It promised me of serenity

Quietness; no screams already 

No movement, not even mockery

All that's left is just my body

Then it won't be hard being me.

I know I'm a mistake, I'm sorry

You shouldn't have me as a baby

I'm hopeless; that's all I'll ever be

But I'm trying hard you see!

When I'm dead, I know you'll be happy

You'll get your perfect little family.

No more lost cases like me

Cos I'm not like you or anybody.

I'm sorry.

I can't fulfill your "destiny"

I can't buy you a honda or an Audi 

I can't give you lots of money

I can't even spend on me.

I'm sorry...

But with a family like this;

It's hard being me

Stereotyping a Malay

I was filtering through the malay newspaper and landed myself on the 'wanted' section. Looking for a job myself I was hoping to find a suitable lead for an interview and I was quite shock to find that there was nothing on the 'professionals' column.

Sure the were listings for jobs but it was a slew for cleaners and security. Are Malays only suitable for these kind of jobs? Or can we only expect Malays to be holding janitorial positions? I beg to differ..

Sure the readership for BERITA HARIAN could be limited to the malay speaking community however I doubt only these kinda jobs were available for us Malays. It's preposterous to only find those kinds of availability. I mean.. I do not expect to find openings for a lawyer to be listed on the paper but what about other service oriented applications that the Malays are known to be good for? At the end of the day it's quite demeaning to only conclude that every mat or minah who reads the paper will end up as a guard or cleaner. Yes I am one of the lucky few who was granted with a scholarship to pursue my studies but I chose to live through retail at the end of the day as I feel that it is more in line with my persona. I've known many people who are of the same descent as me to actually climb the corporate ladder or waddle through the service sector in search of a better prospect. So why aren't these openings listed in the malay paper too? I for one blame it on the government.

With the fast growth of Singapore, I feel that it may have been tough for the private sectors to maintain a reasonable profit and loss. And with the country's climax of opening it's doors to a a high tourist state, an influx of China tourists have been flowing through our immigrations. Even though I am ARMED with a degree; a girl with class honors, an ability to inculcate a high level of literacy in the business language, it really did not guarantee me a job in the industry. Many a times I was shunned by would be employers as I do not speak mandarin. I'm not xenophobic to any race but is it a requirement? Really? The last I checked, English was STILL the business language in the country. Shouldn't the tourists be the ones who try to pick up some sense to equip themselves with a common spoken language before embarking on this journey? Truthfully I find it stupid to go on a holiday and expect the locals to speak their language. It is much more dumb for private companies to accommodate to these tourists. Seriously, if the government wanted more tourists from China to flock the state they should have a campaign for all citizens to be more lingual in mandarin.

So I guess those who don't make the cut could either clean or guard. That's life I guess in Singapore. Belittled on the grounds of its own bumiputera. 

Sigh

Its getting tough. I really need to get my finances up and running. Did I make the wrong choice by quitting? But it was for my own sanity. It's hard.. This survival. No manual for it. Damn.

Piña colada muffins

Sooo... I started with these:

And I end up with these:

Piña colada muffin y'all! Mmmmmm.. Finger licking scrumptious goodness for breakfast later. On the way to baking goodness for my dream, one recipe at a time.

Picnik

So as usual my hands got itchy at 2am and I started the oven. This time it was bread and butter pudding!

I know.. Some of you reading this might think that it's an easy recipe, but I wanted to do something with a cheat sheet that I gotten off the net. It needed to be fast and delish.. I dream ever so much to set up my own little bistro that sells picnic ready goodies. When I started dating my fiancé we regularly dated over night picnics. I would rush home from work and start a war in the kitchen. Anything from potato salads to blueberry muffins and even chicken soup (when he had the sniffles) made it to my basket. And he would pick me up at 8pm to drive us up to the barrage for a picnic. My mom, bless her, she didn't know of his existence till he properly asked for my hand in marriage. 

Even up till then I tried my very best to bring him out of his shell. My love, he's a shy one.. Completely opposite of my crazy demeanor. I love to feed him with as much food as possible; looking at his eyes wide-eyed with delight wolfing down the food I made heartily. Oh how I missed those times..

Yes we both love our food. There's nothing that makes us happier than love and a full tummy. 

But sadly once I've switched to another company, these picnic nights have taken a back seat due to my irregular hours. But I surely didn't stop baking. It usually happens when I'm a bit stressed out. Baking calms me down. And I feel very attached to it as it reminded me of the happy times when fiancé and I dated. Therefore I wanted my bistro so badly. It's a reminder to what I have with him. I'll call my bistro Picnik. It's simple and straight to the point. I'd love to have trays of savoury muffins filled with bacon and cheese that I'm so famous for amongst my friends, wraps of sandwiches and desserts for the finale. Even so picnics are usually fuss-free in terms of concept, I feel that an ounce of class and elegance should be presented. Imagine a tartan spread with plates of tapas and sodas. It sure beats the drive through takeaways!

Sadly to survive in Singapore is a killer. Land is scarce and rental for this dream of mine is bound to be gastronomically horrendous. Maybe in due time, I'll get my dream. But for now I'm happy enough to bake in my kitchen at 2am.

Oh wow

I think it is pure kismet that my ex colleagues poured their feelings over whatsapp just one day after I blogged. And what's the topic you might ask? My ex boss!

In my old company, there were such things as brands incentives. Every month all employees geared to complete all incentives thrown to them. Money or handouts can be used to entice everybody to hit the brand's quota. Whilst I was working, we had an incentive for this natural skincare brand. My store was the first store to reach its quota. Therefore we were allowed to get any item for free from the brand's line. Obviously I chose the most expensive cream that's available.. Like who wouldn't? However everybody needed to wait for items to be sent over to our store. 

That was close to a year ago. (Yes this brand has some time management issues) and lo and behold I've quit. 

Apparently, my dear boss refused to hand over my gratis to me. What jack! It'll be given to his new runners.. (Those asses who wanted to be in his good graces) Of course those who knew me were stunned and disgusted by his actions.

"What about all her hard work during this incentive?", questioned one.

He just kept quiet.

Dear sir... If you wanted to get an extra freebie so badly, just tell so. There's no need to tell the whole store that I won't get my items as I'm no longer working ok?

Of bitches in the industry

I need to rant and wished it was simple. Yes it's hard to be fair, didn't expect it to be. The day that I quit my job in this high end multi label cosmetics store I went through a euphoria of emotions. 

I couldn't say that I don't love my job.. Hell yeah the job rocks. To be surrounded by masses of colors ranging from lipsticks to eyeshadows; perfumery that lined from wall to wall and skincare by the barrels, it was the ultimate girls' playground. The cherry on top would be the great camaraderie of some my peers. However someone wasn't happy I guess..

It's freaky to think about it tho.. I didn't wanted to step on anybody's toes. Nor did I wanted extra attention from anybody; I just wanted to work. HAPPILY. 

You know.. I don't think it is wrong to follow orders. ( the store was going through changes and I got stuck doing the store room.. Not that I mind. I was in charge of the maintenance ) Every damn time I asked the guys outside if there's anything to be stored in the backroom nobody said yes. And every time at the laaaaaaaaaaaaassst hour, voila! some strange cartons were already lined for me to push in. That is if I'm lucky. There's many instances whereby the tubs of goods were left outside for me to push in. It's like a slap. Thank god I have a few kind souls who are willing to help me and/or understand my predicament. Oh don't get me started on the incident that this specific girl actually refused to help me carry a tub from the floor to the third shelving! She told me to my face that so and so is free outside so why don't I call him? She's busy apparently. Damn girl what was so wrong to put down that 2 pieces of items that you're holding and help me push the damn tub?! You're in the same room as me! It is not easy to maintain a store room. From minimizing used space (which is the biggest bother) to trying to keep it sanely organized. Bad enough that a few eggs in the store do not understand the meaning of "organize", there's this turmoil of attitude everyday!

That's the eggs. Now let me start on my ex boss. Ohhhh well the wicked sir of houndsworth. This is the kind of superior one's heart will always have issues with. Yes he did change the formulation of the store's KPI. But this person has no heart. During his presence, many a times I had broken down thinking that I had not done my job properly. He had refused to understand that I had not been given the proper guidance therefore may not be apt in handling every thing. Every day was a truckload of stress. I have a receipt from a trichologist as proof of stress. I have never seen someone so power hungry as him. So hungry that simple issues like staff wellbeing is secondary to him. All he wanted was a great report card. Some need to slave through 14hour shifts for close to a week for his report card. Others.. Well, others tried to get on his good graces and gung-hoed with him. But for this group.. They've already had a rest day. Gung-ho all you want... The rest can see through your fake enthusiasm. LOL. Such a face palm moment!

Racism. Well that's another issue that was deployed by this man. So vile in thinking that I wish I could cull his throat. This man has no respect to my faith that he actually said one day during the fasting month, "if I made you thirsty, tell Allah that I'm the one who made you thirsty." Like what was THAT supposed to mean man??? We all know you're agnostic. No need to drop remarks like that! I have a feeling he's an inborn illuminati. He prays to money to get more money.

It got so much for me that after one fateful day I decided to NOT wake up for work. I was already suicidal and had 7 tabs of Ambien the night before. Thats like too much. Should have wrote a letter to my mom that if I'd ODed from it she could file a case against my boss for slavery and malice. 

But I'm happier now. Cos I do not think this new company will be as malicious as the last. To those who wanted me to fall in my last job, may god guide you.