Nobody's child

Even the cat gets treated better than being a child in this household. It's sad really. I get judged by my own family for the most simplest of reasons.. I don't earn much. Why can't they just be greatful that I have a job? The fact that I've been jobless for the past 4-5 months this makes it a blessing right? Wrong. The first thing that came out of my mom's mouth:

" why is the pay so low "

And I thought my dad would be better but he asked:

" is this a temporary job? "

No. It's fucking not. You wanted me to not work in retail and I'm not. My experience is in retail therefore I had a high pay. You hated my hours so I got an office job instead. And now you hated my pay. Nothing is ever good enough. Not my pay, my studies, my life, not even me. When is it ever "enough"? When will you ever shut the fuck up and accept that I just can't get a freaking $3k job? Every month I feel that I'm your daughter only on pay day. On my pay day you'll stop screaming. On my pay day I'm needed by you. Failure to appease you and I'm a nobody. Well I am a nobody. Nobody talks to me at home. When I'm sick no one will bother asking if I'm ok. When I was earning but stressing with work nobody really cared. When I'm jobless the only thing my mom asked was whether I'll still be giving her money eventho I'm jobless. You never stop to think if I have troubles saving for my own wedding.. You asked if I'll give you money? Money?! I was going through depression from my old company and you're asking about money? Are you even human? 

I hate you. Yes. People will say that it's wrong to hate but I do. Go sell this house after the wedding like you've always wanted. I'll give in and move out. It's not as tho you need me around anyways. I'll find my way out even if I die trying.

Life

With the new findings over the weekend it really made me stop in my tracks. A gift that was known that would never be bestowed upon me was given. And when news was broken to it was a mixed feeling of sorts. 

Shock: obviously I did not expect it. None of us did. All I ever wanted was to live life normally.

Scared: will he go away if he had known? This gift is too big to be kept a secret. Would he accept it?

Sheer happiness: as I've said it is something that wasn't supposed to happen but this proved that god always have the final say in life.

Confusion: as it was not the correct time. Should I let it go will it happen again? Or will this be my one time miracle?

Sadness: as realization dawned on me. This gift was not meant to be.

I'm going through the stages of feelings with love. I'm glad he was happy. His love is undeniably strong. It is a hard future for us. And I hope it will be ok. And I'm sorry baby for doing this. For I have chosen Amirul Lu'ay.

Sigh

I'm just there

The loneliest lonesome ever

Even if I'm surrounded

I'm still the loneliest lonesome ever