Baby

I love you baby. Don't kick mummy too hard pls. It's painful. Mummy can't sleep. Mummy and daddy need to work for you baby. To give you a home. So pls baby, when mummy sleeps, sleep with mummy. I want to feel you safe with me.

I hate money

Why must we do a second wedding in jb? So that my mum can flash her money. Fuck it. This family is as fake as my smile. I can't wait to get out here.

You wanna show off but you don't wanna go all the way. There's a freakin dias, dj, caterer, tentage but you wanna save on dishwasher and the help? Wow smart move. The dias here is more grander than the Singapore wedding! You serious huh? So what is it that you wanna prove?? That you have money? Or your first born is married? You mean we cannot do a normal kenduri like normal people? The fuck man. 

This is why I do not want any of your money for my wedding. I do not want to go through nonsensical shit like this. Fuck your money. I don't need it.

Nobody's child

Even the cat gets treated better than being a child in this household. It's sad really. I get judged by my own family for the most simplest of reasons.. I don't earn much. Why can't they just be greatful that I have a job? The fact that I've been jobless for the past 4-5 months this makes it a blessing right? Wrong. The first thing that came out of my mom's mouth:

" why is the pay so low "

And I thought my dad would be better but he asked:

" is this a temporary job? "

No. It's fucking not. You wanted me to not work in retail and I'm not. My experience is in retail therefore I had a high pay. You hated my hours so I got an office job instead. And now you hated my pay. Nothing is ever good enough. Not my pay, my studies, my life, not even me. When is it ever "enough"? When will you ever shut the fuck up and accept that I just can't get a freaking $3k job? Every month I feel that I'm your daughter only on pay day. On my pay day you'll stop screaming. On my pay day I'm needed by you. Failure to appease you and I'm a nobody. Well I am a nobody. Nobody talks to me at home. When I'm sick no one will bother asking if I'm ok. When I was earning but stressing with work nobody really cared. When I'm jobless the only thing my mom asked was whether I'll still be giving her money eventho I'm jobless. You never stop to think if I have troubles saving for my own wedding.. You asked if I'll give you money? Money?! I was going through depression from my old company and you're asking about money? Are you even human? 

I hate you. Yes. People will say that it's wrong to hate but I do. Go sell this house after the wedding like you've always wanted. I'll give in and move out. It's not as tho you need me around anyways. I'll find my way out even if I die trying.

Life

With the new findings over the weekend it really made me stop in my tracks. A gift that was known that would never be bestowed upon me was given. And when news was broken to it was a mixed feeling of sorts. 

Shock: obviously I did not expect it. None of us did. All I ever wanted was to live life normally.

Scared: will he go away if he had known? This gift is too big to be kept a secret. Would he accept it?

Sheer happiness: as I've said it is something that wasn't supposed to happen but this proved that god always have the final say in life.

Confusion: as it was not the correct time. Should I let it go will it happen again? Or will this be my one time miracle?

Sadness: as realization dawned on me. This gift was not meant to be.

I'm going through the stages of feelings with love. I'm glad he was happy. His love is undeniably strong. It is a hard future for us. And I hope it will be ok. And I'm sorry baby for doing this. For I have chosen Amirul Lu'ay.

Sigh

I'm just there

The loneliest lonesome ever

Even if I'm surrounded

I'm still the loneliest lonesome ever

Goodbye

I think it's time for me to take my leave.

This heart has too much to grieve

As when in right it's wrong to perceive

My head is spinning I need space to breath.

The person I am

It's hard being me... 

I'm the one who's not allowed dates with the tv

Expected to stop watching Disney 

Even though it really makes me happy.

Forced to hide again in the kitchen while I let you be.

It's hard being me...

When all I get are screams from mummy

And dark looks from daddy

As I've lost a job; no money.

To your eyes I'm stupid;

As I did own a degree

But it's hard being me.

You say, "be somebody!"

"Not a sales girl - a nobody"

But I'm happy

My choice was what making me free

I smile and my heart was not heavy

As I loved being me.

Most days I feel like I'm crazy

I have no place in this family.

I feel that I'm just renting a room;

As there's not many here liking me.

It's hard being me...

My pills - these pills; are all I see

It promised me of serenity

Quietness; no screams already 

No movement, not even mockery

All that's left is just my body

Then it won't be hard being me.

I know I'm a mistake, I'm sorry

You shouldn't have me as a baby

I'm hopeless; that's all I'll ever be

But I'm trying hard you see!

When I'm dead, I know you'll be happy

You'll get your perfect little family.

No more lost cases like me

Cos I'm not like you or anybody.

I'm sorry.

I can't fulfill your "destiny"

I can't buy you a honda or an Audi 

I can't give you lots of money

I can't even spend on me.

I'm sorry...

But with a family like this;

It's hard being me